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The misadventures of Delta 8 gummies

My husband is a true believer in the use of CBD to help with anxiety and body aches/pains. As you have heard, I complain constantly about my back and the aches and pains of being 40, so I told him that I thought I should try a CBD gummy. Now, I have been sober from any sort of drugs for 16+ years and sober for over 6 years, so I know that certain substances might have more of an effect on me. I took a gummy and laid on the couch. After 45 minutes, I didn’t notice any change which I was not surprised by to be honest. I had tried CBD bathbombs and lotions, but never noticed anything.

Now picture this. I am watching 1883 (which if you have not watched this, I highly recommend it if only because of how fucking hot Tim McGraw is in this show, and I am not even interested in country music in the least.) and I needed to use the bathroom. As I stand up, I cannot feel my legs but not like when I went numb from the waist down. It was like I was so high, I couldn’t feel my legs. I started to giggle. My mouth was so dry. Oh my god. I was fucking high. How did this happen?! I won’t go into too much detail, but when I went into the bathroom I discovered that I had just gotten my period, so I felt as though it looked like a crime scene in there. I also thought that I was in there forever.

I exited the bathroom quietly and whispered to Larry, who was sitting on the couch with my MOTHER. Yes, my mother was in town. “Larry… Psst.. I need you to help me.” I started up the stairs to go into my bedroom since I could not imagine doing anything other than laying down. “You fucking poisoned me!” Larry is just laughing. He said that he did not poison me, but maybe I should have only had a part of the gummy since they are Delta 8. “WTF does that mean?” I needed to lay down. Larry put me in bed and put on a Peloton meditation so that I could calm down. Then he left. For what felt like 3 hours.

I could barely focus on what Ross Rayburn was saying, but I was getting so pissed because I felt like I had been listening to this meditation for at least 20 minutes and he was still doing the introduction. What kind of meditation is this that I have to listen to him drone on for that long during what should be a relaxing meditation? I glanced at my phone to call Larry since he abandoned me for hours and saw that it had been 2 minutes. TWO MINUTES! I called Larry. “Please come up here.”

Larry comes into the room with a smirk on his face. I am crying. “I am a terrible mother. Time has stopped.” Then I start to hysterically laugh because I know how ridiculous I am. Larry is doing his best to hide complete laughter. “You poisoned me.” He gently turned on the tv and suggested I watch SNL to maybe get a laugh out. Then he left me again. This time he was gone for like 5 hours. I was watching SNL and found it to be funny I guess, but I figured the episode should be ending soon. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!” That’s right. Time had stopped again. Then I started to wonder if I fell asleep would I stop breathing. That made me start to focus on my breathing and hyperventilate, so I did what any normal person would do. I put on my CPAP machine.

Larry came upstairs to me laying in bed with my CPAP machine on, watching SNL and finally calming down because I knew I couldn’t stop breathing now. At some point, I finally fell asleep. I woke up at midnight, (You know since this all happened at 7PM.) and felt back to normal. I was hungry though, so I headed down to the kitchen.

Everyone else was sleeping now, so I sat on the couch and ate a ton of junk food and watched reality tv until 5AM. I fell back asleep and woke up actually normal realizing that I was still high when I went on my Cheetos, string cheese and cookies binge.

I wish Larry would have filmed this experience because I would be making all the money on YouTube. I will never again take Delta 8 though, so we missed that opportunity for riches. I cannot watch 1883 without remembering this ridiculous misadventure with Delta 8 gummies.


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